1. Boy or girl? Generally festooned in pink or blue – that’s the clue!
2. Isn’t he/she small/big/long/short/thin/chubby – no! he/she is perfect!
3. Did it hurt? – no! it’s like a trip to Disneyland you moron
4. Oohh, you look tired – seriously? I have a newborn and I don’t look like a supermodel? Shocker….
5. When are you having another – hmmm, let me think… I thought I might like to have a shower/eat/sleep/enjoy before I think about adding to the collection
6. So when are you going to try and lose the baby weight – insert expletive
7. Your baby is probably hungry/tired/dirty nappy – yes, thank you for your pearls of wisdom. I never knew that the screaming bundle I’m holding is trying to communicate with me
8. I have a dog/kitten/goldfish so I know exactly what you are going through – no. no you don’t.
9. Is there anything I can do? – the house looks like a hurricane has passed through it, the only person that has had a wash/food/drink in the last 24 hours is the baby, but no, you sit with your feet up
10. Sooo, are you going to put the kettle on then? Ummm, no. But I’d love a cuppa as your making